What the Family Courts expect from Parents and Carers

The court asks you to think about these things first:

As parents, you share responsibility for your children; try to have a good communication with each other because it will help your children;

Even when you separate it is important that you try to work together provided it is safe to do;

Try to agree the arrangements for your child. If talking to each other is difficult, ask for help. This help could be from a neutral family member or friend, a relationship counsellor like Relate, a mediator or family lawyer.

If you cannot agree you can ask the court to decide for you. The law says that the court must always put the welfare of our child first. Don't forget though that what you want may not be what the court thinks will be the best thing for your child.

It may well be that court-imposed orders work less well for you as a family than agreements made between you as parents.

Your child needs to be able to:

Understand what is happening to their family. It is your job to explain

Have a loving, open relationship with both parents. It is your job to encourage this, provided it is safe to do so. You may be separating from each other, but your child needs to know that he/she is not being separated from either of you.

Show love, affection and respect for both parents

Your child should not be made to:

Blame him/herself for the breakup.

Hear you running down the other parent (or anyone else involved).

Turn against the other parent because they think that is what you want.

Feel unsafe or scared by a parent or experience one of their parents abusing their other parent.

The court therefore encourages you to:

Support your child to have a good relationship with each parent and with other people who are important to them, where it is safe to do so;

Arrange for your child to spend time with each of you where it is safe to do so.

Remember, the law presumes that the involvement of each parent will be good for the child, unless your or your child's safety is at risk. How much involvement each parent should have depends on the individual child.

Please remember that the law treats child support and contact as two different things. Please do not stop contact because of problems with child support and please do not stop child support because of problems with contact.

Judges and magistrates hope that parties can resolve (with the assistance, if required, of a mediator or other facilitator) an issue over the precise amount of time spent with the other parent where there is no safeguarding or domestic abuse issue, and no issue over where the child should live. If the judge/magistrate takes the view that no, or insufficient, steps had been taken to resolve such an issue out of court, this could be considered by the court when (a) deciding on the issue itself, and/or (b) reviewing and determining whether a contribution should be made to the cost of the court process and/or the costs of the participation of the other party.

You can help your child:

Think about how he or she feels about the breakup.

Listen to what your child has to say:

• About how he/she is feeling
• About what he/she thinks of any arrangements that have to be made.

Try to agree arrangements for your child (including contact) with the other parent.

Talk to the other parent openly, honestly and respectfully.

Explain your point of view to the other parent so that you don't misunderstand each other.

Draw up a plan as to how you will share responsibility for your child so long as it is safe to do so.

When you have different ideas from the other parent, do not talk about it when the children are with you.

You should talk to your children about what is happening in their family in a way that is suitable to their age

• If they are old enough, they should be asked how they feel and what they would like to happen, but you should never force them to take sides, reject the other parent or make decisions instead of you
• You should provide the support your children need to adjust to your separation

If a court order is made, you must do what the order says.

If

• something changes to make the order unworkable
• you are worried about your child's or your own safety in following the order
• your child refuses to follow the order

you should try and agree changes with your other parent, or (if necessary) apply to the court to have the order changed.

If you want to change agreed arrangements (such as where the child lives or goes to school):

Make sure the other parent agrees.

If you cannot agree, get some help. Again, this could be from a neutral family member or friend, a relationship counsellor like Relate, a mediator or family lawyer.

If you still cannot agree, apply to the court.